How to Talk with Teens About Pornography
What to Say, How to Say It, and Why It Matters
At this point in my career, I’ve accepted a particular professional reality: to many high school and college students, I am simply “that porn lady.” Not Dr. Maas. Not developmental psychologist. Not researcher. Just… that porn lady. Luckily, I don’t think my academic peers think of me that way….but now that I think of it…they probably do too.
So what does “that porn lady” actually do?
I study how adolescents learn about sex, relationships, and their bodies, especially in digital spaces (we call this sexual socialization). In practice, that means I spend a lot of time trying to understand how pornography shapes young people’s expectations about intimacy, consent, and pleasure in real life.
And no, it is not easy to talk to teenagers about porn. Even when you are invited to do so. Even when you have a PhD. Even when you promise, repeatedly, that you are not there to ruin their lives….or to show them porn.
But here’s the thing: avoiding the porn conversation doesn’t protect teens. It just makes porn that much more impactful, and potentially harmful.
The Question I Always Get
When I teach parents, educators, or clinicians about the role porn plays in teens’ lives, the same question comes up every time:
“Okay, but what do I actually say?”
It’s a fair question. Most adults didn’t grow up having these conversations themselves. In our study on how parents talked about pornography with their adolescent children, few participants had a parent who ever talked to them about pornography. And when parents did bring it up, the conversation tended to sound less like guidance and more like a warning label.
“Don’t watch it.”
“It will ruin your brain.”
“I will check your search history.”
What was missing? Any meaningful conversation about bodies, arousal, consent, or how to make sense of what they might see.
Porn is Not What it Used to Be
If your mental image of pornography is something from a dusty magazine rack or a late-night cable channel, I regret to inform you: that era is over.
Today’s porn is immediate, algorithmically curated, and often designed to escalate. The goal is not education, connection, or even entertainment. The goal is attention. And attention, as it turns out, is very profitable.
Teens are not just stumbling across porn. They are growing up in a media environment where it is ever present, ambient, shareable, and, in many cases, expected.
So yes, they need help. Not necessarily from “old people” (their words, not mine), but from adults who are willing to be honest, calm, and at least marginally more informed than a reddit thread.
What Teens Actually Need From Us
My work focuses on equipping adults to have these conversations in ways that are useful rather than panic-inducing. That means helping parents talk about sex, porn, and bodies without shame. It means training educators and clinicians to respond to online sexual experiences without making things worse. And it means accepting a slightly uncomfortable truth:
We cannot guide teens through territory we refuse to map ourselves.
From what I’ve learned from scientific literature, professional practice, and my own parenting experiences…we can’t help teens with something that is unknown within us. Most of us have some unlearning to do when it comes to sex, pleasure, and shame. The good news is that teens don’t need perfection. They need presence. And ideally, fewer lectures.
Teen Talk Tips
Think of these as ongoing conversations, not a single “big talk.” You are not delivering a keynote. You are building a relationship where this topic can exist without everyone secretly hoping for the sweet release of death. It is so important to have conversations about pornography with your partner, friends, or siblings (if you’re comfortable so you can get the heebie jeebies out before projecting them onto your own kid).
In general, as you have these conversations, you want to focus more on asking questions and responding calmly without judgment, rather than going through the list as administering a lecture. Perhaps set aside a couple of months and make it a goal to talk about one of these points each week, or break it up into 3-4 sessions and repeat as needed when something comes up that allows you to have a conversation (e.g., TV show, friends, movie, advertisement, current event).
IF YOU’VE RARELY DISCUSSED SEX OR BODIES, APOLOGIZE.
“You are curious and ready to know about sex, and that is normal. I’m sorry I didn’t prepare you for it sooner.”
“I really dropped the ball on this one. We should have been discussing sex much more often!”
Why: Teens love it when adults mess up! They are deeply attuned to hypocrisy and allergic to perfection. And it’s okay to admit you haven’t been responsive in that area. This establishes that you are willing to admit when you are wrong and are open to learning about our sexual culture yourself.
CONVEY THAT WANTING TO SEE SEX OR NAKED PEOPLE IS COMPLETELY NORMAL.
“Throughout history, almost all cultures have celebrated sex and nudity through art...called erotica.”
“We’re all curious about sex. It’s an incredible part of life.”
Why: Take away the guilt for wanting to see naked people in the first place. It’s important to not perpetuate porn as a “dirty little secret.” Depicting sex and nudity is nothing new or uncommon, and it is okay if teens know that. If curiosity is framed as shameful, teens don’t become less curious. They just become more secretive.
EMPHASIZE THAT PORN IS NOT EROTICA OR SEX, PORN IS A PRODUCT
“Porn isn’t a guide to sex. It’s a product designed to get and keep attention.”
“Porn isn’t erotic art. At best, it is a product to purchase as adult entertainment. But now it is mostly content that is created and shared to keep people on porn websites for data collection and advertising purposes.”
“The types of sex that occur in porn are supposed to shock audiences in order to compete against all the other porn content. Shock value drives revenue.”
Why: Teens need media literacy, not just morality. This helps them interpret what they’re seeing instead of absorbing it as instruction. We want teens to understand that what they are watching is not what they should expect in real life. Even if it is amateur or homemade content, it is created or shared with the intent for monetary gain of some sort.
DESCRIBE HOW THE PORN INDUSTRY MAY NOT ALIGN WITH THEIR VALUES
“With all the profit to be made, producers often take advantage of their performers & pressure them to do extreme sex acts to make money.”
“Every time you click on a porn site, you are supporting the part of the industry at large.”
“When you watch porn for free, they are collecting data on you and selling it to make money.”
“Many videos on pornographic tube sites are not age or consent verified.”
Why: It’s important for kids (and adults) to understand the profit that is driving the type of sex they are seeing, and how supporting tube sites can be questionable if you care about sexual consent, bodily autonomy, digital privacy, etc.
SAY THE QUIET PART OUT LOUD: SEX IS ABOUT PLEASURE
“Humans have sex for pleasure and connection, not just baby-making. Even other animals have sex for pleasure.”
“Sexual behavior feels really good and that’s mostly why people have sex.”
“Even though people seem like they are experiencing pleasure in porn, they are often acting.”
“It is important for you to not pretend to like sex acts that you really don’t. It is also important for you to ask your partner if they like certain sex acts before engaging in them instead of pressuring someone into the act.”
“Some people feel pressured to replicate sex acts seen in porn. Others pressure partners into sex acts they see in porn. Neither is about pleasure or connection.”
“It’s okay to explore sexually, but that occurs through communication and creativity. Not mimicking.”
Why: When younger teens know that sex is how babies are made, but don’t understand sex for pleasure (e.g. oral and anal sex), they can be really confused after seeing sexual variety on the internet. Older teens may already know this, but younger ones may not. Talking about sexual pleasure also gives you a little more “street cred” and can make you seem more approachable when they have a sex question in the future because you aren’t just the bearer of bad news (too risky, you’ll end up pregnant, life will be ruined) when it comes to sex.
MAKE SPACE FOR MASTURBATION (WITHOUT MAKING IT WEIRD)
“We don’t have to talk about it, but I do want to make sure that you know that masturbation, exploring your own body is totally normal.”
“I promise to give you the time and space to figure out your own body. For example, we can arrange an agreement about knocking on your door.”
Why: Pornography viewing is rarely a passive act. It’s almost always paired with some sort of masturbation. It is developmentally appropriate for teens to know that masturbating or wanting to be sexually aroused is normal and healthy. If you’ve caught them in the act, or found evidence of masturbation, they will likely feel embarrassed now that you “know.”
DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PORN AND IMAGINATION
“Your brain reacts differently when you masturbate to porn than when you masturbate without porn.”
“There is a growing body of research on how pornography affects the brain or how people who use a lot of pornography have different brains from those who do not. So, while your brain is still developing, masturbation ‘the old fashioned way’ with focusing on sensation alone is a better experience.”
Why: This opens the door to conversations about attention, habits, and choice without sounding like a scare campaign. As a culture, it’s strange that we do not automatically think of masturbation when we think of porn, but we typically think of porn, when we assume masturbation. I’ve had dozens of college students in shock and awe over the revelation that they could reach orgasm on their own without watching porn. Mostly because they never even tried. This is a very important life skill to have!
DEFINE THE DIFFERIENCE IN MEANINGFUL PLEASURE VS. DIGITAL SUPERSTIMULUS
“Porn is designed to be more intense than real life. Kind of like how candy is sweeter than fruit.”
“Porn is a superstimulus. That means it is something that does not exist in real life but mimics something that our bodies and brains want naturally.”
“Porn is a sexual superstimulus, whereas sour patch kids are like a fruit superstimulus.
Why: Not everything that feels powerful is meaningful or realistic. A superstimulus is an exaggerated version of a stimulus to which there is an existing response tendency, or any stimulus that elicits a response more strongly than the stimulus for which it evolved. Porn is a sexual version of this phenomenon.
Disclaimer: The science throughout the video above is still debated among experts. However, I recommend this video for younger people who just need to understand the process of what can happen to someone who seeking out porn more than they would like.
ADMIT THAT MOST ADULTS DO NOT ADDRESS PORN
“It’s rare for parents to talk to kids about porn, so your friends may not understand.”
“It might seem like everyone is using porn, but studies show that is not the case. Many people choose to leave it or at least delay it until they’re older.”
“Other kids might be looking at porn online, sharing images, or even posting their own porn in your presence. You will have to decide for yourself what to do in those situations, but I think it’s best if you not participate. Better yet, you can intervene by telling them ‘that’s not cool,’ Or whatever socially acceptable language you use to confront someone!”
Why: These messages acknowledge how awkward and different it can be to question porn as a default, continuous experience. This focus also allows you to take some responsibility and sends the message, I’m here, even though it’s weird. I’m here.
SEPARATE GUIDANCE AND CONSEQUENCES FROM CONTROL AND PUNISHMENTS
“Some adults choose to use porn together, some choose to use it separately, and some don’t use it at all.”
“You should always check in with yourself to gauge how porn is affecting how you experience sex with a real person. When in doubt, see what happens when you try to have sex and masturbate without porn for 30 days.”
“I know if you really want to see porn, you will find a way, but it’s my job to protect you from it right now.”
Why: You’re setting boundaries without pretending you can control everything. Even if you would like them to never use porn, this sets them up for thinking about how porn would fit into their life when they’re older and letting them know, if they are using porn, it’s on them. Not you. It is clear that porn is for adults.
Keeping the Conversations Going
If you know for sure that your teen has seen porn, try asking the following question:
“Did you see anything that was confusing to you?”
“Did you see anything that scared you or felt upsetting?”
9/10 times a teen will respond with:
“Eww! No. Stop.”
“Why are you so weird?!”
Excellent. You’re doing it right.
You don’t actually need an answer in that moment. The question itself does the work. It signals:
You will likely see things that are confusing and even scary AND it is okay to talk about it with me or with others.
You aren’t just giving them skills for today, you are socializing them to be better romantic partners in the future who are able to check in, understand boundaries, and have more realistic expectations. These conversations are not just about porn. They are about raising young people who can:
understand consent
communicate about boundaries
form realistic expectations about intimacy
and prioritize mutual pleasure over performance
A report from Common Sense Media showed that the majority of teens first saw pornography before the age of 13, and almost half saw violent pornography including choking, gagging, slapping, or simulated rape.
So that means we need to be talking to kids who are 12 and younger about porn too. So what do you say to younger kids who might haven’t seen it yet? Watch below for some suggestions.
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Sincerely,
That porn lady
(Still accepting more formal titles, but this one seems to have stuck.)
P.S. Want a deeper dive? Join my community and online course where I take you step by step along the journey of supporting teens in their emerging sexuality in the digital age. Prevent problems like nonconsensual sexting, sexual violence, and problematic pornography use before they start and create consequences that change the trajectory of development.
Love love love this! Thanks for such comprehensive guidance on the topic! I'm going to share it with my own mailing list and parent coaching clients ;) By the way, laughing out loud, I'm commonly referred to as "the drug lady," haha!